


Zero-Sum Game

by Ononymous



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Black Comedy, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Not Serious, Post-Undertale Neutral Route - Leaderless Ending, Post-Undertale Neutral Route - Neutral Pacifist Ending, Rocks Fall Everyone Dies, Satire, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 11:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17621918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: The human came and went, and though nobody fully knows how it came about, the King is no more. Not to worry, in these trying times there are plenty of monsters ready to guide the Kingdom and give everyone some hope.Maybe that was the problem.





	Zero-Sum Game

"Now then, is everyone comfortable?"

"ABSOLUTELY, MA'AM!"

"Very well. I call this meeting of the Provisional Council of the Underground to order. Scribe, you are ready?"

"writin' as fast as i can, tori. you'll be _raven_ about these minutes."

"THAT'S ODD, I DON'T HEAR ANY SCRATCHES."

"i'm good at stealth scribbling, bro."

"Hee hee. Now then, for the record, a list of attendees. Myself, Toriel Dr- Toriel. Temporarily Reinstated Queen of the Underground. Undyne, Captain of the Royal Guard..."

"Yup, I'm here!"

"...Doctor Alphys, Royal Scientist..."

"P-p-p-present."

"...Mettaton, interim Royal Morale Officer..."

"A pleasure, Majesty."

"...Papyrus, official meeting caterer..."

"NEXT TIME I'LL ALLOW THE SPAGHETTI TO MATURE FOR LONGER!"

"...and Sans, secretary and scribe."

"alotta alliteration all around an announcement, yer highness."

"Hmm, indeed. Now, as this is the debut session of this council, a summary of events for the record."

"P-p-point of order, Queen Toriel: We should be allowed to amend your ac-account if we disagree."

"Quite correct, Doctor. So, the situation: With the passing of As... the King, and the ultimate failure of his designs at breaking the barrier, great uncertainty has understandably come to all Monsters. I, Toriel, have been asked to once again become Queen, but I refuse to unilaterally accept the title permanently. I have convened this council to manage the kingdom until we are in a strong and stable position, and then every monster can choose whether to ratify my appointment or request someone else rule the kingdom."

"PISHPOSH, QUEEN TORIEL! AS IF THEY WOULD CHUCK YOU OUT SO QUICKLY. WHO ELSE HAS EXPERIENCE?"

"W-well whenever the K-King was busy in his garden Captain Un-Undyne sure could k-keep us in line."

"Doc, don't be like that, I could never do like he could. Hell, could anyone? Hey, you okay, Toriel?"

"Hmm? Oh yes, I was just... Well, the Underground as a whole will decide who rules, and I shall abide by that decision. But any objections to this version of the situation?"

"Darling, you didn't even bring up the wonderful Memorial service for his Fluffiness I put on!"

"Ah, quite true, Mettaton. It was certainly... _emotional_ for me. Sans, did you jot that down?"

"yup. here it is."

"A moment, my spectacles... my, your penmanship is very... you."

"thanks."

"Alright, now to current business. Doctor, Captain, I am sure you were both uncertain of your position, but rest assured I have no intention of replacing you at this time. A certain continuity is necessary at present. And as merely a temporary Queen it would be inappropriate for me to engage in radical reshuffles that my successor may undo."

"Oh, I w-w-wasn't worried, Toriel, I've been b-busy in the lab ever s-since I heard about wh-what happened?"

"Huh? Doc, I tried to visit you in your lab and you weren't there."

"W-w-w-w-well-"

"Do not 'stress it', as they say, Alphys. Your job is even more important now. With the... alternative no longer viable, it is up to you to devise a means of breaking the barrier. I trust you are willing to work even harder?"

"Oh, of c-course!"

"Uh, 'scuse me Queen Toriel?"

"It would be more appropriate to insist on a Point of Order, Captain."

"Yeah yeah, Point of Order, whatever. So yeah, Doctor Alphys is our best bet in the short term, because the guard have combed that cavern and the souls have well and truly flown the coop. But wouldn't our chances be better if we prepared to try an' gather new souls?"

"Hmm. I believe you mentioned to Gerson you had guards patrolling the Ruins?"

"THE OFFICIAL CATERER CAN VERIFY THAT ASSERTION, MAJESTY!"

"Well yeah, just in case another human fell down. Also the guard out in force calms everyone down, lets 'em know we're on the case."

"I can see your logic, Captain. However, I must disagree with that decision. Would you kindly recall them? There are some reforms to the guard I am interested in enacting."

"...what."

"You see, from what I have seen, despite the King making the admirable decision to trust Doctor Alphys in pursuing alternate avenues..."

"Uh..."

"...his primary strategy was always to rely on human souls first. I think the rotten fruits borne by that policy are now plain for all to see. We are back where we were a hundred years ago, minus a ruler. For the Underground to advance, we must go back to basics. This would only be a temporary policy until monsters have selected their new ruler, but I would like to treat all humans who enter the Underground as friendly until proven otherwise. Eventually the guard would be partially demobilised and put to work on infrastructure projects."

"Ooh, a bold power play, majesty!"

"Thank you, Mettaton. Now then, any objections?"

Undyne's objections were not copied verbatim into the minutes.

"I THINK CAPTAIN UNDYNE DISAPPROVES, MAJESTY. I'VE RARELY SEEN THAT MANY CURSES USED IN A STATEMENT OF ASSENT."

"Hmm. Well, Captain? Surely you no longer believe all humans are hostile? You have met one who directly challenged that worldview. Papyrus told me of the tea you shared."

"Well yeah, but come on, seriously?! Flip from one extreme to the other? And lay off the guard while you're at it? It would leave us exposed. And the other six-"

"Were perfectly pleasant when under my roof."

"But what about after? In Waterfall this one kid-"

"That will do, Captain. A stance of presumed hostility is counterproductive anyway if we are ever to have peace with the humans."

"What if that kid was an exception and the next brings an army with 'em?"

"Do not worry Captain. Friendship means Friendship."

"POINT OF ORDER MAJESTY, RECURSIVE DEFINITIONS ARE GRAMMATICALLY IN ERROR AND RHETORICALLY DUBIOUS."

"Plus it's a pretty shallow speaking point, Toriel dear."

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"

"Noted, Papyrus, but it underlines my intentions. A Kingdom founded on war will crumble without it. Peace must be our priority."

"Well I thought this was a council, not a social club! We should vote on it at the least."

"Very well. All in favour?"

...

"So that is four in favour, two opposed. Sans, please note the result. Do the nays wish to add any remarks to the record?"

"I hope Sans got every last syllable of my objection on record."

"'every'... 'last'... 'syllable'..."

"I was merely concerned, darling, that forestalling conflict deprives me of a tool to use in raising the Kingdom's spirits."

"That it may do, Mettaton, but sometimes the easy options are not the right ones. In any case, I consider the motion carried. Yes, we shall all be better off pursuing this path. So, any other business? Well then, we have plenty to attend to, so let us put our backs into it. Doctor, a moment?"

"Oh, o-okay... What's wrong, Toriel?"

"I must apologise, Doctor. I would not be so arrogant as to presume your employment under the King was a cakewalk, but I am aware I am probably asking much more of you than he did."

"B-but you're asking me to do wh-what he asked me to d-do."

"Yes. But he always had his horrible plans for war to fall back on if you were not successful. I have no such abhorrent redundancy. I am convinced I am correct to do this, and I believe I have convinced you?"

"W-well I did v-vote for it."

"Yes. But that means our only hope to see the surface lies in your work. It is a terrible burden I am giving, but I see no alternative beyond my personal red lines."

"Don't worry, M-Ma'am, I'm used to the p-pressure of this. I can c-cope. Yessiree, I can cope."

"Wonderful. I am so relieved that you can trust me."

* * *

"Of c-course I trust you, Undyne."

"Awesome! Okay, Imma kill her."

"You're- wh-wh-wh-wh-what?!"

"Look, I know you voted for her appeasement, but I also know she's got ya working really really hard."

"B-b-b-but to kill-"

"You heard her, the contempt she had whenever she mentioned Asgore, she'll never change her mind! And you know me, I'll never change mine! She's leaving us exposed. Caution is one thing, but open arms? Might as well be hugging a spike."

"Hey, that sounds hilarious!"

"Can it, petals! And keep your stamen zipped!"

"If you let me out of this bell jar for a few hours, then sure thing. Besides, long knives are so much fun to watch get waved about!"

"You ever get him to spill the beans about what he was doing there?"

"N-no. No idea. He's just r-rude whenever I bring it up. It's c-curious, I've never s-seen a flower f-flip me off before."

"Anyway, it's gonna take someone getting killed for her to realise how suicidal she's being, so it might as well be her! It's a crisis nobody else can see, so I'm gonna enact my own emergency plan to solve it!"

"I d-don't know if y-you can just say 'emergency emergency' and do whatever y-you want. What about the rules?"

"If breaking the barrier broke some rules too, would you do it?"

"Sure, but-"

"Then it's settled! I'll keep us safe, and make the humans pay for it!"

"Why not j-just stand against her when everyone v-votes for a ruler?"

"...nah, won't work. She got so much good PR from just getting off her ass I could never make a dent in that. And she knows it too. Every temporary measure she enacts will be permanent the moment they say yes. Should have just taken the throne directly, but her insistence on proper order will get us all killed. This is the only way."

"...well I'd v-vote for you."

"Appreciate it, Doc, but that's mute."

"M-moot."

"Yeah, that. This is how it's going down."

"...okay. What do you w-want me to do?"

"Work on breaking the barrier. I'd never ask you to take part in it, Doc, I know that ain't your thing. But I needed to make sure you wouldn't stop me if you found out. I'll handle all the planning myself either way."

"...If you f-fail, I'll deny it, but I won't t-tell her about it either. You're p-probably right."

"Atta girl! And don't worry, when I'm in charge, I'll keep us all safe, do whatever it takes to make us able to protect ourselves. It'll be beautiful, I know I'm right about this. And I knew I could count on ya!"

* * *

"Well w-we've been through so much, of c-course you can count on me."

"Fabulous, my dear doctor! Now then, straight to the point: The queen must be done away with."

"You t-too-?! I mean oh, r-really?"

"Really, Alphys. I mean, her heart's in the right place, but warm hugs only take a kingdom so far. She needs a sense of drama, the wholesome mother angle will get really old in a snap!"

"Well then wh-why not get people to vote for you?"

"BP? The polling data, please."

"Sure thing, boss. Oof!"

_Thud._

"Wonderful. Now get back to work. And don't let the door catch your tail ag-"

_Crunch._

"Ooh, nasty... Anyway, Doctor, it's clear as day she's miles ahead. If it were a preferential voting system I'd have an outside chance, but it's merely winner take all. Alas, the electorate is not nearly shallow and glam-blinded enough to vote for a mere celebrity. 'tis a vote on policy. Asgore was many things, but he was never neglectful of public education."

"...w-well I'd vote for you."

"Of course you would, Alphys, for you get it. If the spirits of the kingdom are to be truly lifted from these trying times, then I need a free hand. I want people like dear Blooky to have a little self confidence, and I alone can solve that. Put everyone in the right clothing, the right gear, listening to the right music, and they'll be in the right headspace to be truly content with their lot in life."

"And wh-what if you happen to make a lot of money off it?"

"A pleasant side effect! And there are no rules about conflict of interest for a King anyway."

"...okay, I'll s-stay out of your way. If you get caught I'll p-pretend I didn't know, but I won't stop you."

"Oh that won't do at all, darling, I need your help."

"You d-do?!"

" _Absolument!_ The Queen has been leaning heavily on your efforts to break the barrier to support her pacifist agenda, and it's obvious in council meetings she trusts you as a form of compensation for that pressure. I need to leverage that trust so that she will participate in her own undoing."

"...and you'll b-blackmail me if I refuse, r-right?"

"Wouldn't be the first time, sweetie."

"...okay, I'm in."

"Stellar, darling! And relax, I know you know I'm absolutely in the position of complete truth. So wonderful when old friends can rely on each other!"

* * *

"I mean we haven't s-spent that much time together, but you c-can rely on me."

"CAPITAL! I'VE JUST DISCOVERED THE QUEEN'S BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEK, AND I WANT TO ARRANGE A SURPRISE CAKE FOR HER!"

"Oh. Oh! Y-yeah, I can help with that. I'm k-kinda relieved it's not something m-more serious."

"what, you think pap was gonna try an' kill her or something?"

"What, n-no! I've no idea of any p-plots against the Queen's l-life!"

"SANS YOU J-STAR-STAR... ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE AND UTTER NINCOMPOOP! HOW DARE YOU MAKE LIGHT OF SUCH SEDITIOUS SUGGESTIONS!"

"sorry, bro. didn't mean to _kill_ the mood."

"So P-Papyrus, what do you n-need from me?"

"I NEED TO KNOW WHETHER THE QUEEN WOULD PREFER A CHOCOLATE CAKE OVER ONE FILLED WITH STRAWBERRY JAM."

* * *

"Neither right now, Hephaestus, we shall have the Royal Morale Officer review the new guard uniform designs when he arrives."

"Very well, Ma'am. Good day."

"'Very well'... 'Good day'. Hee hee, I have underestimated how taxing it is to record what is spoken. A shame he and his brother were busy today. It was so thoughtful of you to fetch the tea, Doctor, there was no need."

"Oh, it's n-nothing."

"Well before we drink, I think we should return to the issue of the school curriculum. I had hoped we could tap Gerson to rewrite the history requirements and de-emphasize the awkward parts and focus on the good times we have had with humans, but he declined citing... 'I couldn't be bothered'. Well, he was always like that, I suppose. Captain Undyne, you have your recommendations for basic physical standards for all corporeal students?"

"Yeah. Got it right here."

"Hmm. Oh, I see what you are trying to do."

"Y-you do?"

"Of course, Doctor. 'Minimal Combat Drilling'. Honestly Captain, your head is still on a war footing. This is a lot to ask of children when we are entering a time of peace. Now I am willing to budge and allow it to be an optional extracurricular activity, but I see no reason for it to contribute to one's grade. I do not believe it has a place. Sprinting and pushups are fine, though need rewritten to accommodate the differently-limbed."

"Yes… Ma'am..."

"Now, Alphys, you have concluded your recommendations for the revised reading list?"

"Not yet, H-Highness, I was busy on, um..."

"The barrier, of course. That is fine. Just remember to be careful when considering the work's violence and aggression. I would like the booklist before the election, however."

"Okay."

"Let us move away from schooling. Captain, how goes dismantling the spikes in the Ruins to avoid child injury?"

"...kinda slow. Been an uptick in punks taking a swing. Fights in Grillby's, petty vandalism, teenagers stealin' stuff. Guards keep gettin' called away to calm everyone down. Folks are still kinda pent up. They miss him, is all."

"Hmm... Well, people will feel how they feel, and there is little I can do about it. Perhaps we should move the coronation forward, that certainty might alleviate their anxiety. I suppose there is no point having such a large gap between election and assuming office, perhaps a few days instead?"

"..."

"Sounds g-good."

"Thank you. But before the council passes this suggestion, I would like Undyne to dedicate a group of guards solely to renovating the ruins, and forbid them from other duties. We cannot delay in case another human pays us a visit."

"I agree, your majesty, we can't wait. After all… _the froggits are getting antsy_."

"Oh, they are? Oh dear, he really did leave us all in quite a state, did he not? Now then, on eliminating Guard Conscription-"

"I _said_ , 'the froggits are getting antsy'!"

"Um, yes. Yes, you did. Are you alright, Captain? Is that some dirt on your lapel you are fiddling with?"

"Undyne?"

"Crap, it's broken. Okay, screw it, going solo: **NGAH!** "

_FLASH._

"U-Undyne!"

"Captain! What is the meaning of this?! Drop that spear at once!"

"No can do. All part of the plan, 'your highness'. Wait until your head was buried in all this dull detail stuff and then attack you! Figure I don't need any help after all when you wouldn't hurt a fly."

"But why? Is your ignorant bloodlust that unquelled?"

"I dunno, is your ignorant naivety? You gave us two options: Be killed or be killed more. I vote for a third party!"

"P-p-point of order, the c-candidate list hasn't been finalised-"

"Honestly, Alphys, now? Doesn't matter anyway, you gotta go!"

"We shall see about that. Guard!"

"They won't hear you, made sure of it. I _am_ the guard!"

"No longer. So it is treason, then."

"Treason implies I ever pledged loyalty. Now take this!"

_Snatch._

"Huh, you took it."

"Throwing a spear? Please, little girl. All your drilling and training, and yet you have never truly seen war. Before we were sealed, all who could carry a weapon did. Those instincts never fade. Now sit down and I may just look past this-"

_CLANG._

"-or perhaps not."

_FWOOSH._

"AHH!"

"Alph, stay under the table! This is between me and her!"

"Perhaps it was best Gerson not manage history after all, if this is the result of his stories, whelp! The King has corrupted you, seeking that which undoes us all!"

"At least he didn't face the end with open arms and a cup of tea! He did what was best for us, not for him and certainly not for YOU!"

_Zip. FWOOSH. CLANG._

"C-c-c-c-can't we just t-talk about-"

"MAJESTY, I-"

_FWOOSH. SHUNK._

" **P-P-PAPYRUS!!!** "

"OH... THE CAKE WAS BURNT..."

"Oh my- I did not-"

"No, I didn't mean... Are you okay?!"

"WORRY NOT, UNDYNE, IT DOESN'T HURT. BUT THERE'S A LITTLE..."

_WOOSH. Thud._

"A LITTLE NUMBNESS BELOW MY JAW... BUT IT'S ALRIGHT, YOU TWO... ACCIDENTS HAPPEN… WITH JUST A LITTLE CARE WE CAN..."

_WOOSH._

"Papyrus... no... I'm sor- _HURK!_ **UGH!** "

_CRASH._

"You see, traitor?! You see what your actions have brought about!"

"Yours… too… Queenie..."

"Silence! This is proof my way is the only way forward! His six-time-damned soul wrought all of this! Only I can bring a strong and stable kingdom. Friendship means Friendship! I must protect what little seems to remain here!"

"Shut the hell up you inflexible self-righteous piece of-"

_FWOOSH. **SPLORCH.**_

" _UNDYNE!_ " 

"...d-damn. You throw a good punch, Toriel." 

"It... it was your own fault, Captain. You brought this on yourself." 

"Yeah, maybe I started it... but you sure as hell... finished it..." 

_WOOSH._

"Q-Queen Toriel!" 

"Oh, Doctor Alphys. You... you are unhurt?" 

"Yes, I'm f-f-f-f-fine. But Undyne..." 

"You saw it, clear as day. It was self defence. And proof I... I must continue on this path. There is no other option." 

"...have a drink of t-tea first, Highness, th-then we can talk about what now. Ignore your h-hand, don't dwell on it." 

"Agreed. Oh, thank you. Hmm. Now then, fetch Sans, Mettaton and Hephaestus. As amateurish as that attempt was, she mentioned conspirators, and must have felt others would support her. They must be identified and dealt with, our future visitors must be protected from... such... extremism..." 

"W-what's wrong, T-Toriel?" 

"Oh, it is the tea. Most pleasant, but it has an unusually bitter aftertaste." 

"Ah. That'll be the buttercups." 

"The butter- _Heugh!_ " 

"I think y-you're right, Toriel. Extremism w-will undermine the kingdom. Can't have that." 

"Y-you too...?" 

"I guess." 

_THUD._

"How - _Eugh_ \- How'd you know?" 

"...you're better off n-not knowing. Won't b-be long. Just relax." 

"Ha ha... I... I thought we were better than..." 

"So did P-Papyrus. But don't worry. It w-won't be Undyne's vision. We'll b-be fine." 

"But… only I can...protect..." 

"Not f-from the floor like that." 

"...suppose not… be good, then... tuck in your coat... so sorry... As..." 

_WOOSH. Crack._

... 

"Darlings, what do you think of this fabulous briefcase prototype I fashioned- Goodness me, Alphys, what on earth happened?!" 

"T-turns out Undyne had her own plans. They had a f-fight. Papyrus... got hit in the c-crossfire..." 

"Oh... what a shame. I thought he was endearing in a goofy sort of way. Oh well. So, they took each other out? You didn't even need to enact my plan?" 

"...no. I didn't need to l-lure her under the ch-chandelier you sabotaged." 

"All the better, now my hands are truly clean! Now then, much to do. Better arrange my contact in the guard to 'find' us. I'll have to improvise, cover story's totally shot, but that's easy enough. So glad I didn't have to-" 

"Kill Switch Code: ' _Get out of the f-f-f-f-freaking robot, Happy._ '" 

_BZZT._

"ACK! What-" 

_THUD._

"What- is- this-" 

"A f-failsafe. See, Mettaton, if I thought sh-she'd have listened, I might have w-warned her. But you were in th-those meetings too, so you k-know how obvious it w-was she wouldn't. So y-you and Undyne were right about that at l-least. But either of you rule? You w-were both too obsessed with your own little c-corners of the world, just like she was. It takes a level of c-clarity to rule. I don't w-want the job, and I r-regret Papyrus got in the way, but if I d-don't, who will?" 

"Well- played- Doctor- very- dramatic. But- one- final- twist." 

"Oh? What's that?" 

"My- Plan- B-" 

"What, this briefcase?" 

"Not- B- For- Briefcase. B- For-" 

"A b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bomb-" 

"Out- with- a- _bang_ \- darling-" 

"Oh _sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-_ " 

Sans never heard the wooshes. Only the blast. 

* * *

"it seems a number of important people disappeared overnight. but no one else was harmed. the people were confused. it was complete bedlam. somehow, at the end of the day... a small, white dog became president of the underground. it sleeps on the throne and does absolutely nothing. strangely, it seems this is the best life for everyone."

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry.
> 
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
